If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
It was like giving head to a cactus.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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