I think my fart just growled at me.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
