i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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