Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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