I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
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