he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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