the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize