I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
