i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
If I die, sorry about rent.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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