I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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