I accidentally had phone sex last night
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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