I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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