I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
