dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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