Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize