I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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