So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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