You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
