I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
