It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
