I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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