No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
