I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
