I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
