I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You're like the curious george of whores
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
