dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
