He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
my being single is dangerous.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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