if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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