UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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