that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Randomize
