My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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