do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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