Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
