Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize