Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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