So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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