so explain again why im purple
no
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
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