the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
