sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
