I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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