my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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