I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
My friends, they love my intelligence
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
