I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Randomize
