best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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