just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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