a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Dear god my vagina.
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