he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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