Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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