You're my little dorito
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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