dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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