I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
