I will die if light touches me.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
