I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize