Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
My ass is underappreciated
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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