So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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