Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
