Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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