did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
