Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
